Thoughts become words, words become actions...

Actions become habits. Habits become your character. And you character becomes your destiny.

- Frank Outlaw

That quote has resonated with me, at the foundation of my being, since the first time I heard it more than a decade ago. I really, truly believe it. It's foundational for the hope and optimism with which I try to live. (Emphasis on try.)

I really do count myself as an optimistic person. I'm certainly not pessimistic or cynical (I've got enough liberal friends that have the "everything is wrong with ______" world view covered). I do use sarcasm on a regular basis, at times with a dose of cynicism, but its more a part of the smack-talking athlete in me, than the lens through which I see the world.

In fact, the more I've thought about it, the more I realize that the lens of hope and optimism through which I generally see the world and my life, is one of the great distinguishers of "what makes Jared tick". I have always believed in my ability, the opportunity to do and achieve anything, and the limitless success into which I was walking. I have believed in the Broncos every summer, and every Sunday afternoon in the fall. I believed in Michael Jordan every time the ball was in his hands, and every time he was playing the passing lanes on defense. I have believed in our Republican Presidents and Congress. And even when I lost hope in them, I believe in the party of Conservatives to eventually take back the mantle of Reagan and lead this country back into greatness, through goodness. I believe in second chances, and once-idiots like Kobe Bryant making the most of them. I believe in the absolute perfect joy of children, and that we don't have to lose it. Ever. I believe in the human mind and the ability at any age to teach anything, learn anything, and re-think anything save that that has been divinely given by our gracious God. I believe in the word of God being timeless and timely. And I believe it to be the perfect source of instruction. I believe Truth always prevailing, love conquering, right becoming self-evident and evil meeting eternal demise. In God's maturation of me, I realize that I believe these things because of the foundation of faith I have placed in Him.

When I became a Christian (read: Born-again, Jesus-loving, relationship-with-Christ-having, whoa-Jesus-is-transforming-me-constantly-and-its-not-easy kinda Christian), I realized that this confidence was in fact just a Biblical acknowledgement of God's power, ability and desire to accomplish anything through me, that He so chooses to do so. What I mean, is that I started to realize that God had written hope into the fabric of my being, God is the source of the hope and optimism that I hold so dear. And with God, I hope in Him...not myself. In Jesus, I hope in His power & love, not my own. In Christ, I trust in Him to align my heart, blessings, talents, desires with timing and opportunity...and as such, I don't have to 'force it' any more. In Jesus, I trust and hope for the power of the Holy Spirit to be there when I've got a law & grace Dad moment in front of me. Or when I need the emotional reinforcement to fight all of the lies in my head that are constantly running counter to everything I believe and hope in. See, I am totally susceptible to depression, doubt, a lack of faith, belief and hope. The Spirit gets attacked in me all the time. As Mark Driscoll so brilliantly outlines in his sermon on Grace from Mars Hill Church's 9 question series It is the type of God's grace that I struggle with the most; the grace of God's future provision.

So, last week when I used the really cool service (ya'll know how I love really cool web services, stats, data and charts) tweetscan, built for twitter (the micro-blogging, social networking site I use most), I was so excited to see that in my "tweet cloud", or visual weighted, representation of the words I use most commonly on twitter, the results were overwhelmingly positive. In fact, the most dominant word in my vernacular? Love. LOVE! Love. Just take a look at the tweet cloud and you'll see why, by the Grace of God alone, I am so pumped-up!

Amazing. Awesome. Beautiful. Best. Bro. Freaking :) Friends. Friend. God. Great. Jillstill. Happy. Heart. Really. Thanks. Think. Time. And of course, my all-time favorite simple-superlative: WOW!

I just had to share. God truly gets and deserves all of the glory for this reflection, because it is only that which He has deeply planted in me. But I am truly thankful for this Spirit GOd has put in me. It's a daily battle, but with Him, one that I know is having an impact on my life--and certainly those around me--most importantly, the lives of Jill, Emma, Laura, Taylor, Caroline and Brooke.

As Jill and I always say when we're blown away by each other and the mere fact that we're so in love and so blessed to have each other; "Thank you God!"

Replaced blogger comments with Intense Debate

I really like the comment thread and conversational feel of the layout edit/integration from the folks at Intense Debate

Hope you all enjoy as I look to grow this blog into more of a conversation.

peace & love

Jared L. Still

Daddy time in the little moments

There's something that I've learned in the past 8 1/2 years of being a Daddy, and that is that the most special moments just manifest themselves in the most unexpected times.

Much like elsewhere in life, the opportunities to really love someone, make the day of a stranger, make your spouse or Mom or brother feel loved and valued, come in the little moments in life. They don't just sneak up on you, the just appear. And either you're dialed-in and aware enough to be "present" in those moments, or you're not. They don't just appear because you're in a great mood, filled with the Spirit and all of your bills are paid. No, sometime they just come when you're dead broke, exhausted, somewhat lost yourself, and not because you fit them into family time, a Daddy date, prayer time or anywhere else that you may necessarily have planned.

No, these times just appear. Gifts from God that hit you in the heart and stay in your soul all of your life.

My favorite, most amazing Daddy moment of all time was the spring of 2005 (my first in LA) and I took Taylor and Brooke to the Ocean on a weekday afternoon. I should have been at work, and I think they were missing a couple days of school. We played, chased, ran from waves, built stuff in the sand and did the pretty standard-issue Pacific Ocean stuff you do. Then, as the sun was just collapsing into the horizon, time stood still. Taylor and Brooke ended up wrapped in their towels, in my arms, and we all were just silent. I held them as close as I could and God gave us a glimpse into eternity as it felt like time stood still, as we just a bask in the glow of the descending sun, while were enveloped by the sound of the surf lapping the shore. My heart felt so alive. So at peace. So certain in love. With God. With His love for me. My love for Taylor and Brooke. Total peace and joy. Taylor, Brooke and I have tons of great memories from our times together in LA, but to me, as their Dad, that was the single most special.

Last night was another great Daddy moment, that just appeared out of seemingly nowhere.

The amazing thing about having three girls in the house at the "Crazy age" (between 7 and 18), is that those little moments manifest themselves so quickly and unexpectedly. It is truly such a challenge, but such a joy to be a step-Dad. And I just pray to be "present" enough to capture most of these little gifts from God. I really believe that's where being a father turns into being a Daddy.

Anyways, I was just so blown away that on a night when I came home absolutely emotionally and physically drained and fatigued, that in a matter of moments, the girls has totally transformed that. (Well, that and some great cooking by Jill Still). It started with sharing bruises, then scratches, then stories from their day, then some other craziness, followed by them bouncing off the walls like electrons around an unstable atom.

And then, wham, all of a sudden, Emma is piled in bed next to me with every year book she's ever had. Walking me through pictures of her childhood. Laura and Caroline are in the room too. Making their way to the bed as well because we needed to see if all five of us could comfortably hang out on a queen size bed (we can). There were a couple baths, washed hair, and then I got to brush some hair while is seemed like once again time stood still. A little, rather insignificant way to serve the little girls (brushing their hair), while Emma laid against me, just turned into one of "those moments" in which all felt so right in my heart and the world. So much love, peace and joy. So much Jesus in the presence of it all.

Life is definitely in these little moments, when we're least prepared. My prayer is seriously to be aware and obedient to these opportunities to love everyone around me (do the cats count?) in these moments.

Random, concussion-induced musings

So, as you might be aware if you follow me on twitter, I have a concussion. Yep, a concussion.

How you may ask? I am so glad you asked! Let me tell you!

In a brilliant move last night, I was traversing the Route Irish of our house; the pitch black alley of death between my bed and the toilet part of the bathroom. in the 15 feet before the I reach relief, I must daftly avoid the attacks of any number of snipers (random floor-borne hazards) and road-side bombs (doors ajar). So last night, the shower door--the insurgent of the bathroom--left itself open at such an angle that it hit me dead on in the eyebrow. There was no glancing-blow...I hit it dead-on, and my bell was rung. After evading further attack (and taking out my anger on both Mr shower door and Mr bathroom door), I sat down on the toilet (yes, I'm secure enough in my manhood to admit I sit down when I pee. I'm just too lazy to stand there, and secondly, I stopped peeing standing up once I started having to clean my own bathroom. Just never know where that stream is going to go, especially at night. And that's disgusting.)...I digress. I sat down on the toilet and started bleeding. A lot.

Today I was dizzy, completely nauseous and hurting pretty bad. I'll be fine, but it was not pleasant.

So, these are a random collection of thoughts in a concussion induced state.

- I love my parents. As each day in my maturation (drinking from the fire hose of real life) as a man, Dad, husband and step-dad comes & goes, I have a renewed appreciation and admiration for my wonderful Mom, my amazing Dad, and my loving Step-Mom. In short, they friendships are more precious than gold, and their characters more solid, righteous and inspiring than any hero that Hollywood could write into even the best of screenplays. I love My Mom, Dad and Step-Mom so very much.

- I also have a burning anger, disgust and disappointment in my Step-Dad. I don't feel good about having so much anger, but its the type of righteous anger that I believe we are supposed to feel towards evil, sin and destruction. I do need to move my heart to the New Testament part of this chapter and find grace and a peace that surpasses all understanding. I'm just not there though.

- My wife is my best friend, and our marriage is the absolute greatest gift and joy of my life. Not because its a party or always easy. Those of you who know me, know I am far too passionate, grumpy, irritable and emotional for any relationship to be smooth sailing. But also among you, you have told me my heart is as big as five states. And that with God's grace and Jill-just-being perfect-hearted-Jill, its amazing.

- I am really praying to know in what way God wants me to use my gifts, talents and passions to bring Him glory and advance the Kingdom. I know it's going to be a strategic position, with great opportunity. He's put in deeply in my heart. But what does that look like? What will be my life's work and ministry outside of the home?

- Lebron James is the biggest freak I have ever seen. And Brian McKiernan and Adam Coyne still owe me $100 each because I bet them back in 2003 that King James would have a better rookie year than anyone in the modern era other than Oscar Robertson. Pay up suckas. He's perhaps more of a freak emotionally than physically. I mean think about it. This 18 year old lived up to, and continues to surpass any and all expectations, under greater pressure and scrutiny than has ever been placed on any athlete. Ever. Amazing. I love Lebron.

- I love Brady Quinn too. A great friend of mine had lunch with the Browns front-office and BQ this week. And at 23, this kid really gets it. In a Christian perspective and understanding of his blessings, talents and opportunity. I really want to see him succeed.

- I am a jerk sometimes. Sometimes I just have nothing but irritation. Grumpiness. I act like the 7 year old Jared crawled inside the 30 year old Jared and started knifing the 30 year old and blaming it on everyone else around. In a way it just reminds me of how young I am. How fast it seems I had to grow up. How much more it seems I have to grow to be the man that God designed me to be.

- But you know what? I'm on God's path for my life right now, so that growth and maturation is called: SANCTIFICATION. So, I'm cool.

- Don't tase me bro!

- I have the need.....the need for speed........

- Ah ha....Jester's dead!

- And two of your snot-nose punks buzzed my tower at over 400 knots! I want some butts!

Love this video below...and I love you!

peace.

jls

10 things I love right now

So I haven't written much lately? So what? Neither has Shakespeare!

Inspired by my friend Jay McKenney, I submit for your digestion, the top 10 things I love right now (and maybe a few that didn't make the cut)

1. The daily sanctification of my crazy life as I desperately walk (picture the kid that jogs through the mall to keep up with power-walking Mom) with Christ.

Wow! So my best friend and soul mate, Jill has been Jill Still since 7 Dec. In April, I finally migrated completely to our beautiful home in Plano, TX. Every. Single. Day. since Dec 7th has been transformational in my maturation as a Christian, a man, and what it means to be a hubby/daddy/step-daddy, Christian man.

2. My wife.

I can not even put into words the powerful, planet moving, soul-burning, life-changing, Jesus-reflecting, amazing agape, love that I enjoy from, and feel for, my wife Jill. Her heart. Our trust. Our communication. Our commitment to fight fairly through deep, real, recovery-needed-because-we've-both-been-really-hurt-issues. I know more about becoming a more Holy man, because the demand is in my face every single day. Marriage demands my absolute best. My absolute most. My absolute humility. My absolute most grace. And guess what? I'm never that good. Never. That's what is so amazing when you find that you-are-not-enough, and the distance between you and your wife is easily overcome by the 'combat bridge' of Jesus, Scripture, and my wife's own heart, love and grace. It's also amazing to see the power of certainty of our commitment being that of a lifetime. It is like building a house on top of Pikes Peak's 14,115 feet of granite, and hoping that it survives high-tide from the Atlantic Ocean. Yeah, it's that powerful.

3. Football.

In May, you ask? Yes. The draft a couple weeks ago was an annual renewal of my deep desire to be operationally involved in football. The NFL Network starting "Hard Knocks", a deep look inside the training camp of the KC Chiefs got me burning with that desire to be a part some day.

I love the business, I love the sport, I love the stories, I love the game & enterprise completely. Sorry defense world. Someday I will be in football.

4. Being a Daddy and step-daddy. I will go into much further detail in future posts, but to tease the subject, I am so in love and so grateful for the toughest job I've ever under-taken.

5. Raytheon contracting.

I am being used in the right capacity (more frequently) on exciting programs. I'm consistently 10-20 years junior to everyone else in the room; and if I may say so myself, through God's great blessing, I continue to flourish in those settings. I love being good at something, and while not always exciting, having a role, impact and your peer's respect, is really cool.

6. The Broncos draft.

With the addition of DT Kentwan Balmer right before the draft for a conditional pick in 2009 (basically for free because he'll never play 65% of downs in the Broncos scheme that rotates their lineman on so many downs), I feel the Broncos addressed their remaining needs with exceptional scouting and finding great potential value(including taking OT Ryan Clady at the highest pick the Broncos have had in about a decade at 12th overall, and getting a great KR & potential slot WR at 42 in Royal from VT). I am really excited that they drafted two married fathers and a guy that was at Bible study when he got his draft call (read: maturity)

7. USC Football

USC had perhaps the best draft of anyone. Wow, Pete Carroll can recruit and coach. And wow, am I excited to see another undefeated Trojan season and BCS National Championship!

8. Plano and Frisco, TX

I love this area so far. Really excited to explore more with Jill and the girls over the summer.

9. Finding a Church home.

As in, we really need to find one. I do really feel led to The Village Church in Highland Village. They're part of the Act 29 network (as is Mars Hill Church in SEA. And the Mars Hill pastor Mark Driscoll has been extremely influential this year in my theological growth. Thank you God for podcasting. See # 10). But we haven't decided and gotten connected yet. But I do know & trust that wherever that may be, that it is God that has taken us there and will use the community in the life of Jill, the girls and I.

10. Podcasting Sermons.

I've been so spiritually fed lately by sermons by a number of great, great pastors and Bible teachers. They all have different styles and are currently in different areas of instruction and emphasis in their teachings, but I am so blown away by God's word coming alive in my life through the teachings of:

Mark Driscoll, Mars Hill Church, SEA

Brady Boyd, New Life Church, Colorado Springs, CO (my Dad's Church)

Matt Chandler, The Village Church, Dallas, TX

Tommy Nelson, Denton Bible, Denton, TX

More financial structural disconnect

I got this email from my ex's Dad over the weekend. Bill is President of the National Cotton Shippers Association and President of Phoenix's Handwerker-Winburne Cotton, Inc. He is truly an global expert in the commodity, and an awesome capitalist. They move the commodity physically and they move the future/derivatives financially.

I've read and re-read it a few times, trying to "get" all of the underlying micro and structural macro forces that are at play right now in this economy. It's crazy...it's not very pretty.

Wanted to share for your digestion.

Jared

ps, I'm back. After a 5 month blogging break, (the most amazing, blessed, intense spiritual, relational, beautiful personal, and God-driven 5 months of my life) I promise now to be more fully committed to my writing...even if I will just be talking to myself :)

jls

=====================================================================================

Jared: Mauldin's (Outside the Box) article a couple of weeks ago covered these bonds and their potential for an inability to "reset". Although quality bonds like the ones noted in the description below are pretty secure, the very fact they catapulted from 3 to 6-7% illustrates the growing lack of liquidity in this market along with growing concern over the level of the $. The municipalities were simply trying to capitalize on an inverted yield curve with short term rates so low. Party's over!

The challenge will now be trying to put this economy back together. No small task and even more daunting in an election year when candidates will promise anything to get elected. In this environment.....no one wants to tell it like it is. Any unfortunately again.....most people don't want to hear it.

My take......"the tip of the iceberg". I think we're really in trouble. It will become global.

In a somewhat related issue, I just came back from D.C. last night. Likely having gone unnoticed by most people, the cotton futures market last week went absolutely ballistic. A week ago yesterday, Friday the 28th, cotton was 'limit-up" in all futures months. Again limit up on Monday. Coincidently, Monday was also the first day that commodity futures were to be margined at their "synthetic" value, not just the close on the day. Although cotton futures were limit up and trading halted....the options markets continue to trade. A "synthetic value" (or value at which the futures would likely be trading to yield such options prices) is determined and posted by the board of trade. On Monday, margin calls for cotton were issues at 11.5 cents/lb. Concurrently, the minimum amount required to trade was increased by approx. 30%. Margin calls to the cotton trade (of which business like mine are an integral part) was approximately 1.8 Billion dollars. Significant positions were liquidated the following morning following many's inability to post the margin. Our market has never seen such a massive move in one day and coupled with the need to margin "synthetically" it virtually put many out of business. The market followed thru on Tuesday and Wednesday at limit-up each day then Thursday and Friday "limit down".
Absolutely incredible and of course uncertainty prevails today.

Actually, as luck would have it, I was attending a board of directors meeting in D.C. on Tuesday and Wednesday. Our group visited the Chairman of the House Ag Committee and the senior staffers for the chairman of the Senate Ag committee (purpose was initially to discuss pending farm bill issues). In the environment of this upheaval of the cotton futures market, and thru the help of our Washington legal counsel, we arranged a meeting on Friday morning with the Chairman of the "CFTC" (Commodity Futures Trading Commission). He came to our directors meeting and brought along his chief of surveillance. Incredible meeting and discussion. Insight into the markets that I had never imagined. These financial markets are global to say the least and as one might assume, prone to outside efforts to manipulate, avoid detection, veiled trader identies, etc., etc., I will say, I was amazed at the CFTC's prompt attention to our concerns and the chairman left with what I feel was a genuine interest in looking into the impetus of what went wrong. "Wrong" in that the futures market price had become "completely" disconnected from the value of the underlying commodity. Completely.

I might add that it is common knowledge that not only energy but "grain" prices have exploded. There are fundamental reason why the "grains" have moved significantly higher. Principally is the energy policy congress has adopted to create ethanol from corn. Corn acreage has moved from the agricultural sector to the energy sector. Consequently, feed grains have risen significantly, not only corn but wheat as well. Note that world wheat supplies are near historical lows. So of course with acreage moving into the energy complex, you would expect wheat, oats, soybean prices to move higher to compete with corn for "acreage". But world cotton stocks are at high historical levels......simply not warranting the kind of market explosion we say last week.

I could go on but I only create more questions than answers. I try not to be an alarmist but "concerned" just doesnt' quite get the message across. Buckle-up and get ready to hold on!

Hope you get a chance to come to Mimi's graduation. If you haven't heard, she was just accepted to NYU's (New York University) Masters program in Spanish literature in Madrid, Spain.

Regards,
Bill

I'm causing myspace drama!

YOU. Stupid Denver Donkeys!

YOU SUCK! And Mikey Shanny...I am tired of your stupid face! just LEAVE!

(but I'm not quite deleting you)

I'm talking to YOU, you stupid Denver Broncos Alias!

(and I'm not quite dropping you from my top-friends...dropping you to the bottom so people know how MAD I AM AT YOU!)

Trust me Denver, this hurts me more than it hurts you.

We go back 30 years...30 freaking years!

And this is all you can give me?

I drove to the "whale's vagina", I mean, San Diego to see you SMACK THE PACK!

My parents left me home to see Craig Morton diarrhea all over the field and himself in New Orleans.

I cried against the Giants.

I cried for 3 quarters against Dougie and the Skins

I cut off my ear AND MAILED IT TO YOU after the Niner's

Then I cried, cried, and cried with joy against the Pack & Falcons.

AND THIS IS ALL YOU CAN GIVE ME?!

I HATE YOU DENVER!

Nice run defense F'ers!

The guys with the ball, running between the tackles, are RUNNING BACKS...NOT BOMB-VEST-STRAPPED PALESTINIAN TERRORISTS!

You CAN, and in fact MUST tackle them! Hit them! HIT SOMEBODY!

When the little man kicks the football to you, run forward, without falling down...and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, if you drop that f'ing ball again, YOU WILL see the afore-mentioned terrorists, bombing your stupid stadium....I mean COUNTRY CLUB AT MILE HIGH!

GROW. SOME. STONES!

League's leading rusher? AND YOU'RE 2-3?!

Solid 2nd year QB? (who might just need to keep his clothes on at private golf courses & stop throwing INT's) AND YOU'RE 2-3?!

BEST WIDE RECEIVING CORPS ever in Denver? EVER?!? AND YOU'RE 2-3?!

Simeon Rice?
Champ Bailey?
DJ Williams?
Dre Bly?

AND YOU'RE 2-3?!

Daniel Graham?
Coach Jim Bates?
Tim Crowder, Marcus Thomas & Jarvis Moss & crazy, little Dumerville?

AND YOU'RE 2-3?!

I HATE YOU RIGHT NOW, DENVER.

But I'll always love. Remember Whitney Houston? Before all the crank & abuse? Yeah, "Bodyguard" type of I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!

Oh my gosh...just so emotional right now! Go...go away forever! Get out of my sight.

NO WAIT. I LOVEYOU! COME BACK!

We can make things like they used to be!

It's bad...but we can make it work.

YOU'RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH!

YOU NEVER LOVED ME!

you only love the way that I love you...

NO WAIT! I didn't mean that....I'm so sorry....

YES I DID! I HATE YOUR STUPID TEAM!

I

(tears. pulling out my own hair)

LOVE

(more tears, doing weird break-dancing type of conniption fit on the floor crying)

YOU

(arms wide-open, begging you, the real you to come back)

PLEASE

(heavy, deep, crushing, moaning, weeps of sorrow)

WIN BABY....

JUST FREAKING WIN. (choking on my own tear-filled vomit)

BABY!