31 July 2008

July 2nd, 2008

That's the last time I wrote an original piece on this blog.

Gosh, that sucks.

One month. One whole month. Why am I even blogging, if that's all I've got? However, in that same time period, I had 480+ 'micro-blog' or mini-takes on twitter. That's 15% more than any other single month since I joined twitter last July. That's really interesting to me. Really tells me something about the platform and method that works for me. Also might tell me something about my attention span.

I don't understand. I don't know why I'm not writing. I think about it. And just like the Fairfield Police Dept "failure to show proof of insurance" citation on my desk (I've always had insurance, just not so good at putting an updated piece of paper in my car), my blog just sits there. I look at it. Hoping that all of the things I think about writing, would just suddenly make time for themselves in my life. And while they're at it, I wish they would just write themselves. I wish this citation would just pay itself. Put postage on itself and mail itself.

I'm really trying to understand why I'm not writing more. I know it's a gift. It's something I love to do. It's something I feel the need to do. It's something I feel called to do. I just don't do it. It just seems to cumbersome, time-consuming and (get this) distracting to sit down and focus on writing. I find it's tough to keep the rhythm of my life when I cut away to think and write. I feel that there's just not really the time to do it well. With work (July was also the most productive month of work I've had in a couple years!), being intentionally invested in marriage every evening, being intentionally invested in daddyhood every evening, with some working out, some running, some Bible study, some rest, some travel...it just doesn't feel like I ever have the time needed to lay out some thoughts. It feels like I'm taking away from something else, unless I'm blogging late at night or first thing in the morning, when nobody else is awake. Even then, I value rest or Bible study more than blogging.

But I really WANT to blog more. I really want to develop an audience, folks to talk to and hear from. I comment on others writing more than I've been writing myself. So weird.

I feel that I have a gift for the multi-page-length blog, but am always challenged to write the two or three paragraph blog. Seriously, it's difficult for me to say, "this is what I think & why". No, I want to dissect, break-down, build-up, deconstruct and re-construct.

Just yesterday I wrote a really difficult email defending my wife, making some things crystal clear and basically blowing-up someone for how some communication had gone the previous couple days. It was 2,400+ words and 6 pages (12pt, Times Font) in Word. I cited 8 or 9 verses of scripture and it might as well have had a preamble and footnotes (it didn't, actually).

I guess that's the problem with my blogging. I just see any piece of writing that I might undertake (notice how long this one is getting), as one that has to be well-written, well-reasoned and insightful. To me, that has yet to ever mean concise.

I know that being short, sweet and to the point is a valuable skill. However, I have also found that it leaves room for squabbling and back-and-forth in trying to 'further clarify' or expound.

I guess the other reason that I might be dragging my feet is it just doesn't feel rewarding enough. I like to hear myself talk and read my own thoughts just as much as anyone (yawn........) but not when I'm writing. I want feedback. I want thoughts I want discussion. I want affirmation...or if so intended, I want reaction.

I'm thinking aloud here, but I guess I just don't get it. What's the point? What am I writing for? Why am I not writing more? Where is my writing or blogging going? Is the 140 character take on twitter an art-form in writing, or is it the lowest-common-denominator? As someone that has a heavy, deep desire and calling to write books, is that where my sub-divided writing attention should go? I just don't know.

And this blog as a platform; what exactly am I here to say? It's title, "leading at the speed of thought", gives you an idea of where I intended to take it. But I find myself only able to process big book-length type of ideas on leadership and Biblical manhood. I don't know. Personally, leadership is something that's never "off". Always on. It has to permeate every aspect of my life, or I'm not living into my full ability or responsibility. So, do I write about everything under the sun and try to wrap in neat thematic packaging?

I'm a pretty eclectic guy, and as anyone in my life will tell you, have a pretty eclectic collection of passions and intrigues. I'm blessed enough to be able to have a conversation about a vast range of topics. I truly feel its one of my greatest strengths. But I guess I just don't know what in the world to talk about here.