Marriage is for Holiness not Happiness
That's the premise of this book Jill and I were given by my great friend Bruce...and it's earth-shattering in its truth.
I shared that with my great friend & 3-year small-group bro Tim, which prompted him to ask me about it.
God uses marriage to produce holiness in us, not necessarily happiness. Not that they're by any means mutually exclusive...but holiness out of the deep, forging, plodding, extracting commitment to Christ & the relationship produces deep JOY...not the shallow happiness that so much of this world is seeking.
Especially in our culture, (most prevalent in idolatry-centric LA) what's everyone seeking? Happiness right? I think that's a total joke. I'm exceedingly happy--I guess--but it's probably more accurately called joy. Because its been forged by going through some deep unhappiness, producing something that's actually sustainable; joy.
The refining of my & Jill's marriage and our souls has been hard, difficult, and beautiful. Sanctification like I've never experienced...producing holiness and a heart for repentance in us both. We are living the transformation. This book, has just beautifully put it into words.
But it's so counter-intuitive...unless you're willing to have your sin shown to you, cut you, hurt you, and be hurt by someone else's, it's hard to be "happy" in a relationship that is the cleaving of two souls. That's like expecting to watch two continents collide into one another without producing a few volcanoes & an earth quake here & there.
We as any man & wife, are not perfect puzzle pieces (her breath stinks, she has bad gas & my body produces constant rose-petal aromas, just for example)...and as much fiery romanticism as Jill and I share, as much deep passion for each other and life together that we have, we're imperfect, sinful people, of whom God wants what? To be "happy"? Romanced? Healthy & wealthy? He wants us to be in loving relationship with Him and to love others as ourselves. Which manifests itself in our lives in holiness. For two people, the places where we don't 'fit' are our rough, sinful edges. They must be ground-down & cut out to fit into place with the other piece. Places we thought were buried deep until we actually go through life clinging to another soul.
It's so crazy how I feel we are both growing in this holiness virtue, in spite of being shown each others' sin and wickedness up close. This is where God has used it in our lives. I feel we've got a desperation and urgency to be more holy & Christ-like towards each other...which interestingly enough, makes us usually two pretty damn happy people! ;)
Holiness. Happiness.
What are your thoughts? Perceptions? From both in and outside of marriage? Please share!
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Posts
Rhett Smith · 867 weeks ago
I agree on the premise about holiness, not happiness. I have read the book also, and you just can't get around it in the Bible as well. It seems from Scripture that marriage, especially as Christ relates marriage and the church (his bride), that happiness is not what marriages are built on.
I do think that happiness obviously comes out of it. But to only seek happiness is not realistic, because what happens when you aren't happy or your marriage isn't going well. People divorce, cheat, disengage, etc.
So happiness if only the fruit of the labor of marriage. One of the many.
My favorite book on marriage is The Mystery of Marriage by Mike Mason.....awesome. Not your typical marriage book. No steps. Just a raw look at marriage.
good post.
rhett
Jared Still 39p · 867 weeks ago
As Christs' bride, do we as the Church think that we've always made Him "happy"? Doubtful...and interesting perspective when we turn it around on ourselves.
Jill and I will check out that book too! Thanks for the recommendation and the input!
ConnieJ · 867 weeks ago
After reading your blog I had to sit and think for a moment. Through what I have read within the Word, and just life circumstances I believe that both holiness and happiness are important. In seeking after God, we have a choice to make...everyday. Do we in fact choose the way of God, or the way of how our heart feels at the moment. Do we choose to pray for our spouse in hard moments, or do we choose to engage to make our point heard, or really, to make sure our partner knows what we want them to change. Without holiness or right choices before God, our minds will cheat, our thoughts will cheat, we have nothing but the moment and our feelings to ground us. However within the Word, instead of being washed away by the moment, we can plant our feet on a solid foundation, we can CHOOSE. When we allow eachother to be JUST as we are, sin and all, we find peace. When we TRULY trust God with our spouse, and ourselves and pray for the other earnestly, not in passing, we cannot help but see eachother through holy eyes. We can see instead what is behind the words said, or an action that was sinful, we can see the heart of the matter and bring comfort and encouragement. Does that make sense?
I believe an unhappy person within a marriage probably married for all the wrong reasons, and will struggle with finding happiness within themselves. Being completely and utterly hopeless within a marriage leads to serious depression. Making choices that say choose the other over yourself...well, it leads to loss of self completely, utter desperation. I see it happen so many times in marriages. If we live a prolonged period of time "unhappy" we as human beings shut down. There are so many women within Christianity who suffer this. I do believe it is suffering.
I pray we can all teach our children to make wise choices when choosing a partner. I pray we in marriages show healthy relationships. I pray we as parents understand we teach our children everyday by how we treat eachother. If a man is cruel to his wife, even in the nicest Christian way, you will raise young men to continue this, finding it acceptable. If you have a woman who seeks attention the wrong ways, you will raise girls to seek the same thing..not knowing the difference.
We must be careful in our choice of a mate to begin with. If we are not, most people end up surviving marriage. Holiness, happiness become obsolete. People are just trying to make it through the day with their emptiness. Marriage is suppose to be a place of safety and refuge. Many times people need to go somewhere else to find this.
Hard thing to also say, and I am sure will frustrate some...but truly, the condition of a marriage is based on the condition of the husband. A wife CRAVES to be loved, cherished.
We have a generation of out of sorts men. We have a church filled with devastated marriages. The heart of the matter....before God....is the husband.
ConnieJ
RepentanceRocks · 867 weeks ago
In my heart of hearts, I know that my husband is not only my spouse, he’s my brother in Christ, a fellow member of the sacred Body – thus doubling the layer of responsible & reverent care that he and I owe each other. And, by way of confession – when I fail to remember that, both he and I are punished…we both lose.
RepentanceRocks · 867 weeks ago
Thx for highlighting the book…and for your comprehensive, well-articulated post. The journey continues…Marriage as sanctifying agent, yes!
Marni · 856 weeks ago
Thank you for posting this. It is encouraging. :)